Mother

Mother I was put into you in a guise of love that wasn't My daddy played games Well I can't say he didn't love you I just don't think that's how a man shows it to his woman I really don't know if you were his woman I just know that my aunt said she warned you and you didn’t listen Well I guess you listened to something inside of you Then took him inside of you Then kept me Was I a token of something you were looking for or a response of the times Would I have been aborted if your beliefs were different Or if it was more of an option like now I can’t say I could only feel the pressure off of you when I left for the Marines And the relief you felt when I was going away I’m a man and I don’t expect you to understand But a lot of women have been bewildered by my lack of understanding of love My idea that they are all in on some sort of usery Until they have their right choice or fit The idea that I would be perfect if… Then they come with the revisions Or they say “You are perfect now…” And I know all my flaws I’m working on especially when it comes to my diet, exercise and health I have loved intensely in the interest of my children and lost everything Because I went away from my simple principles And bet on high odds that defeated me, presently, but it’s not over until I’m dead This arrogance that probably came from the time I was conceived Brought up in a family full of people that never even knew my father’s name My cousin said, we were not told and we did not ask But just realize how I felt and feel in such an out of place setting Having to refer to my grandfather as my father when of course he was not Having to search for fatherly qualities in my uncles, cousins and strangers When of course they could never do it I was their son until they had their own Then they threw me away Everyone just dismissed me and said I will always be alright But I never was or have ever been alright And no one cares to hear you complain And foolishly I’ve believed in family more than it has been a reality Lost my freedom on ideals about honor and respect that never were shown back I definitely understand God Blessing The Child that has his own And holds his own The family only wants to talk about happy things So any serious problem is all your own Now why should I have any compassion for anyone or anything I was made to be a soldier I was made to be a Marine U.ncle S.am’s M.isguided C.hild Looking to have free reign to kill and wreak havoc because of my personal pain Disassociated from you and our connection Never would talk to you about issues because I don’t want to hurt your feelings See, even though I have had so much angst against you and the way I was raised I still want to protect you and do for you Maybe that is attached to my ego Or maybe I just want to always repay you for not aborting me I have always felt like a burden to you As you would beat me constantly and family would act like they didn’t know Family would act like its normal and tell jokes about it But it is never funny No jokes about rape are appropriate at any time Neither is any jokes about abuse Once I was whipping my son and my heart start breaking to see him in that pain I vowed never to hit him like that again nor let anyone else hurt him because I loved him so much I could not see where he was erring solely And not having some responsibility in the gaps And why did my mother never see that And why now do you think I would want to keep in close contact with those memories With all that pain Well, it’s because that’s just the way it is and the story is still being written And I’ve made it better for many of my cousins and people I’ve had under me Maybe I’ve stopped some of the abuse I know sometimes I’m mean But I’m definitely tender Ask my daughter She loves me and knows I love her And she has never seen me be mean or whip her under any circumstance My mother initially beat my sons hands with a shoe once Then she understood as the rest of the family did that this was unacceptable Especially when we went to the house of his mother’s people And he repeated it, with such animation and everyone looked on with confusion But they understood the old school way Then they learned to understand I never will tolerate any of that So it’s a new day So mother, I guess that’s why my love goes this way My closest protector and I had no outlet So I endured it and still love you When I pledged, I was like, session is how I grew up The brutality was nothing The Marines were nothing The streets were nothing Locked up was nothing Deceit and Trickery was nothing I’m on my defense all the time Day and night That’s why it’s hard for me to honor anyone that would violate my space They are stealing from me right? They are trying to hurt me right? That is not love Love does not have to trick you, right? Mother I came into this light from a very dark place Still I respect your grace as you mellow now I think you understand Children come by their parents’ houses to revisit those wonderful memories No one wants to revisit the pain and hurt I know you like to speak about how I come by, so I try to come by more And I know when I do, we sit and talk for a while Then you spend most of your time in your room And I spend most of my time watching sports or on my ipad Playing chess with strangers that are impressed with my skills It’s my life story Very hard to get close to anyone I have more family that are not blood relatives that honor and respect me And I think some how subconsciously they feel that your mother beat you Smacked you and treated you like crap so stay in your place Don't act proud now And I don’t think they gave you enough room to change And I don’t they will like for me to show them the brutality that I learned from you So most of the time I just stay away But fortunately for me Those traits make me a survivor I always look for the best in any situation And I never loose hope And for that mother, I will always appreciate and love you Together today We grow even closer and we strengthen our bond and love Maybe in a few years you’ll be able to express how you love me in words I know you see it in my children and how and anytime they might just say it At anytime I may just say it At anytime we may just hug each other and kiss And you are welcome to receive it to No matter how hard it is to give it No matter what you carried over from high school and you rejection I get it And no one will ever hurt you like that again And no one will ever think to bring you pain like that again Because no one really wants to see that side of me… I do love you unconditionally